I answered my phone early this morning. A call I was expecting from my Doctor. "There’s no easy way to say this. The results from your MRI show what looks like a Sarcoma Cancer" my doctor told me. Whatever she said after that I don't remember. I wrote down the word Cancer as she said it. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked what next? Hoping she had better news.
Three weeks before this day I noticed a big bump on the back of my thigh. It was sore after returning from a walk. It worried me, but I was afraid of making more of it than it was. A few days later I was bothered again and I mentioned it to my husband. He didn't like the way it felt and said I should go get it looked at. We were packing for a trip to the beach and I had a head cold. I wanted to go real bad and breath the sea air, so I decided to wait a few days.
We went to the beach and the sore bump in my leg consumed my thoughts. I could feel it when I walked it was sore after walking and I lost sleep thinking about it.
As soon as I returned home I called my Dr. At the office visit after examining my leg she seemed light hearted about it. She suggested it was a Cyst or a Lipoma. She ordered a MRI and sent me on my way.
5 days later she was calling to deliver me some altogether different news. I had Cancer. She was referring me to a specialist in Oakland and that this was "treatable" she added.
I hung up the phone and broke down. Luckily my husband was home and I pointed to the words on the paper. We spent hours crying. I wanted to wake up. I kept saying Cancer over and over like I would be de-sensitized and it wouldn't cut through me like a blade. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Then I started thinking of all the things I want to do, the plans I have for my life. My kids, and their kids. (someday I hope). My dog, and my Husband. WE have been through so much these last two and a half years trying to fix this marriage I want to enjoy what we worked for. Then I started thinking about things that use to matter and things that really do matter. Things were re-aligning themselves so to speak. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with myself. When I woke up I had plans like any other day drink my coffee, check emails, make breakfast, water the garden maybe sew or crochet. After the call from my Doctor I didn't know what to do. What do you when you just found out that you have Cancer?
I got a text message in the middle of this from my brother. Our youngest brother had a stroke yesterday. I quickly called him to get the details regarding my sick brothers condition. I then told him about my recent news. Kind of, "since I have you on the phone". He in turn called my daughter and told her about both the patients and that she should be with me at this time. I wasn't going to tell my children until I got more info from the Doctors.
I decided to stop crying and do something I bought a flat of strawberries after my MRI in the parking lot farmers market. So I decided to make jam. My daughter showed up with her husband and step-sister (and doggie) while I was jamming it up and soon my other daughter and her dog came by and my house was full.
I made it through the day.
I'm still waiting for a phone call from the DR regarding the biopsy. I'm not sure how I going to sleep.
I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. That’s not what scares me. I’m afraid that no matter how hard I fight and how many treatments and surgeries I don’t lick this.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life!