These last few days have been some of the worse days In my life. I'm in a daze. I can't sleep, or barely form a full sentence and I think I used up all the tears I have. But one thing that hasn't been affected by my cancer diagnoses is my sense of humor.
Here is Seal.
This made me laugh when I saw it today. Then I realised I was laughing. Cancer hasn't changed my twisted sense of humor. And it won't!
No one tells you what to do with your self after you have been diagnosed with Cancer.
It doesn't seem right to go about your day like everything is normal. Nothing is normal anymore.
Today I had to go to Kaiser for x-rays. Seems strange after having a MRI only days ago, but I won't argue the issue. Then I tried to do some light shopping in WalMart. I felt like I was walking in slow motion. $40 worth of groceries took over a hour to shop for. I had to go back to get shampoo after I checked out once because I forgot it. I forgot it the first time last week so I really needed it today! Then I stopped at Trader Joe's for a few things. Again this took my forever. I drove home in a trance. I looked down at my gauges and I was driving 60 miles an hour on the freeway. Thats 20 under my usual. I felt like I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere.
When I got home I put away my groceries and then I had no idea what to do. The specialist hasn't called me yet. I checked my phone for the one thousandth time. I called and left a message at my Drs office. What now?
Clean house, load the dishwasher? I dont give a damn about that. I'm afraid to be away from my phone and miss a call, or be somewhere that I don't have cell reception. I feel like I'm going a little crazy here!
I answered my phone early this morning. A call I was expecting from my Doctor. "There’s no easy way to say this. The results from your MRI show what looks like a Sarcoma Cancer" my doctor told me. Whatever she said after that I don't remember. I wrote down the word Cancer as she said it. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked what next? Hoping she had better news.
Three weeks before this day I noticed a big bump on the back of my thigh. It was sore after returning from a walk. It worried me, but I was afraid of making more of it than it was. A few days later I was bothered again and I mentioned it to my husband. He didn't like the way it felt and said I should go get it looked at. We were packing for a trip to the beach and I had a head cold. I wanted to go real bad and breath the sea air, so I decided to wait a few days.
We went to the beach and the sore bump in my leg consumed my thoughts. I could feel it when I walked it was sore after walking and I lost sleep thinking about it.
As soon as I returned home I called my Dr. At the office visit after examining my leg she seemed light hearted about it. She suggested it was a Cyst or a Lipoma. She ordered a MRI and sent me on my way.
5 days later she was calling to deliver me some altogether different news. I had Cancer. She was referring me to a specialist in Oakland and that this was "treatable" she added.
I hung up the phone and broke down. Luckily my husband was home and I pointed to the words on the paper. We spent hours crying. I wanted to wake up. I kept saying Cancer over and over like I would be de-sensitized and it wouldn't cut through me like a blade. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Then I started thinking of all the things I want to do, the plans I have for my life. My kids, and their kids. (someday I hope). My dog, and my Husband. WE have been through so much these last two and a half years trying to fix this marriage I want to enjoy what we worked for. Then I started thinking about things that use to matter and things that really do matter. Things were re-aligning themselves so to speak. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with myself. When I woke up I had plans like any other day drink my coffee, check emails, make breakfast, water the garden maybe sew or crochet. After the call from my Doctor I didn't know what to do. What do you when you just found out that you have Cancer?
I got a text message in the middle of this from my brother. Our youngest brother had a stroke yesterday. I quickly called him to get the details regarding my sick brothers condition. I then told him about my recent news. Kind of, "since I have you on the phone". He in turn called my daughter and told her about both the patients and that she should be with me at this time. I wasn't going to tell my children until I got more info from the Doctors.
I decided to stop crying and do something I bought a flat of strawberries after my MRI in the parking lot farmers market. So I decided to make jam. My daughter showed up with her husband and step-sister (and doggie) while I was jamming it up and soon my other daughter and her dog came by and my house was full.
I made it through the day.
I'm still waiting for a phone call from the DR regarding the biopsy. I'm not sure how I going to sleep.
I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. That’s not what scares me. I’m afraid that no matter how hard I fight and how many treatments and surgeries I don’t lick this.