Feeling, "UGH' today. My thigh is swollen and I'm feeling "clammy". I got a Dr's appointment later. But my mind is racing with all the possibilities of why this swelling in this location. Near the lymph nodes.
I usually read cancer support boards for support, but today its painful and scary. Cancer reminds us that we are not invincible. Life is short and we don't always have control of what takes us and when. That feeling of being "out of control" is frightening! I think about how I was living before my diagnosis. I wasn't worried about dying. I went about my life as if I had years to enjoy my life. Yet I could have been killed in a car crash or had a heart attack at any moment. It happens. We are all dying. But a cancer diagnoses gives you a hint of how you may die, and in some cases a date. Think about that. That's pretty scary! That hard part is being able to not think about it and live your life. The people I hear about that can are true inspirations! It's easy to say you have to take life "One day at a time". or, "Live like you were dying". But its so hard to live it! Its harder when you're tired and not feeling well. You lose your momentum.
I'm tired of being sick and tired. I tired of going to Kaiser every 2 or 3 days! I want my life back. I want to go to work and make plans for my future. I don't want to have to cancel plans to go to Dr's appointments. I want to walk my dog without pain. I want people to ask me how I am and not have an answer regarding my cancer. I want to be able to call myself a "survivor". That title is so important to me. It takes such a great level of patients to get there and I don't have a lot these days.
I refer to this as "Cancer the gift that keeps giving". If its not one thing its another. I went from diagnoses and the struggles to have tests and then surgery then to radiation and now the healing. The healing is as difficult as the treatments. A long a slow process.
Now that I have that off my chest, I can see that I have to relax. I have to live in the moment and take this one moment at a time. I am healing slowly. I have come a long way in my treatment. I haven't been given a death sentence so far. I have to stop trying to predict the future and live for today.
What am I grateful for? What are my blessings? How can I live like I was dying, even if its not for many many years?
For all of you who have just lost 5 minutes of your life reading this blog, I ask you a favor.
Live today like you were dying!
because you are!