My mothers battle with Alzheimer's came to a end today.

I have spent the last week with my brother sitting at Kaiser while my Mom struggles to take her last few breaths. She had to be admitted a few days ago with phenomena. Alzheimer's has taken away her ability to swallow and breath for herself. We decided it was time. Kaiser gave us a nice private room for her to spend her final days in "Hospice". The medical fields word for death row.
This last week has been the hardest week for both my brother and I! It's not fair when the child has to make these kind of decision's!

After a long week my I could tell my Mom was ready to go. She was suffering and was afraid. I held her hand and prayed like I never prayed. I asked God to be mercy full and take her to be with him. With in a few minutes she gasped her final breath here on earth. I felt a calm come over me. A relief that she wont have to suffer anymore from this horrible decease.
I thanked God.
I cant help be be a little jealous. She is in a better place. There will be no more suffering no pain. She is with her parents and pets that she loved so much. I will miss her more than words! and if I had the power I would have found a cure and kept her here with me. But since that's not possible, this is a better plan!

Dos and don'ts for couples going through the cancer process.

What dos and don'ts do you have for couples who are going through the cancer process? Visit our website to learn more and see our tips.

http://www.letsfcancer.com/get-educated/cancer

This is a big hurdle for me and my husband. When I was first diagnosed I was numb, and I shut down. He interpreted it as I was ignoring him or mistreating him. He accused me of treating him like shit.

Then after we fought about that, and he made program calls. He realized he was being a jerk, (his words).He wasnt realising that I was in shock and shouldnt be expected to be myself.  We were better for awhile then, he wasn't feeling like anyone was feeling sorry for him. After all his wife has cancer, and he is stressed and worried. He asked me if I understood what he was going through. Again, he made some program calls and came back to me explaining he was an idiot. Again, his words. {:) He felt I wasnt available to him to confort him. Looking back, I wasnt thanks to drugs, stress, and so many tests and Kaiser visits. Call it "overwhelmed". I'm not saying I was right in acting this way, but there is no right when dealing with cancer or Kaiser!

Lastly in resent weeks he wants to fix me. Do anything he can to make it better. When he can't he gets depressed and feels like hes not needed. Omg! I have to explain to him that I dont want a nurse, and sometimes when people hover over you it annoys you. 

 Luckily we both have great support in our program (12 step), our church and therapy.

 Don't forget, pharmaceuticals. :) 

The best advice I can give to couples on both sides of cancer is,,, Don't expect your spouse to act like themselves. 

When it comes to the Cancer patients. There is no normal anymore. For crying out loud they just got diagnosed with the "death disease".

 And your spouses are lost, confused and feeling out of control. They cant fix it or love it away. 

When my husband and I finally talked about what we  were feeling and stressing over things got better for us. Communication is the key! 

One day at a time!

Finally some good news

Good news, Rebecca,
As least as of now, we don't see recurrent tumor.

MRI LEFT THIGH WITHOUT AND WITH CONTRAST

** HISTORY **:
Followup sarcoma

** FINDINGS **:
Comparison: 07/26/2013

Technique: Multiplanar multisequence MR images of the left thigh
were obtained without and with 20 cc of intravenous gadolinium.

The large 8 cm mass of the posterior left thigh has been resected.
There are postsurgical changes. A marker was placed at the skin
incision site. There is linear scar within the subcutaneous fat.
There is a small 1.5 cm fluid collection likely representing a
postoperative seroma in the subcutaneous fat. It is low in signal
intensity on T1 and high in signal intensity on T2. There is no
enhancement of this fluid collection. There is also linear fluid
signal within the posterior muscular compartment of the thigh in
the region of the prior mass. The fluid is high in signal
intensity on T2, low in signal intensity on T1 and shows minimal
linear enhancement. These likely represent postoperative changes.
No new nodular or recurrent enhancing mass is seen. There is a
small 2 cm fluid collection near the hamstring muscles. The fluid
is high in signal intensity on T1, low in signal intensity on T2
and shows no enhancement after contrast. This may represent a
small postoperative seroma. The signal within the anterior
muscular compartment is normal. There is normal signal within the
femur.

** IMPRESSION **:
Postoperative changes of the posterior proximal thigh after
sarcoma resection. No new findings are seen to suggest tumor
recurrence. Small fluid collections in the subcutaneous fat and
muscular compartment likely represent postoperative seromas.

One week since surgery

One week ago today I had my surgery to remove the Sarcoma tumor in my leg. It still sounds weird to say it.  I'm trying to wait patiently for the pathology report to see if I am considered cancer free.
This last month has been HELL! Its changed me and made me rethink things. A cancer dx makes you realized what is really important and when you think your life sucks it could get worse!
Appreciate the flicker us mortals call, Life!
#FuckCancer #livelovelaugh  #whatdoestkillyamakesyoustronger

Because I'm in the center of the ring and this is about me!

Great read in the Los Angeles Times

How not to say the wrong thing

It works in all kinds of crises – medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.

April 07, 2013|Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

My use of the "F" word offends people.

I have been made aware that SOME people on Facebook are offended by my postings using the "F" word when expressing my hate towards my cancer. 

I offered the changing the view my postings or to UNLIKE me. I'm not afraid to loose these friends at this point in my life. I realise the "F" word is harsh and can be offensive  What what more appropriate way to use this word than when you have been diagnosed with a cancer that could kill you and has killed thousands every year! 

For me the statistics (1,890 die) are my reason to say FUCK CANCER! In fact the word fuck doesn't even describe my anger! 

The American Cancer society's for soft tissue sarcomas in the United States for 2013 are (these statistics include both adults and children):

• About 11,410 new soft tissue sarcomas will be diagnosed (6,290 cases in males and 5,120 cases in females).
• 4,390 Americans (2,500 males and 1,890 females) are expected to die of soft tissue sarcomas.

The most common types of sarcoma in adults are malignant fibrous histiocytoma, liposarcoma, and leiomyosarcoma. Certain types are more common in certain areas of the body than others. For example, leiomyosarcomas are the most common abdominal sarcoma, while liposarcomas and malignant fibrous histiocytomas are most common in legs. But pathologists (doctors who specialize in diagnosing cancers by how they look under the microscope), may not always agree on the exact type of sarcoma. Sarcomas of uncertain type are very common.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcoma

Mr Lumpy the grumpy Sarcoma is not so photogenic! Fucker!

I Will beat cancer!

Saying this out loud, "*I will beat cancer."  Repeat from* until given all clear.

My Bucket List

When you say "Bucket list" its just a fancy way of saying "things to do before I die". Now I'm not admitting defeat and say I'm dieing yet! Queue Tim McGraw's song "Live like you were dieing".
These thoughts do race through your mind when you've been told you have cancer. All of a sudden you realise life is fricken short, and you got shit to do. So you blow  the dust off your bucket list and re-prioritize.  No longer is the trip to Paris important, or bungee jumping. (that was on the bottom anyway). Now you realise what really matters!
I have had nothing but time this last 2 weeks to think. I know I'm not done! I got shit to do! 
Like my kids. Without me who would meddle in their lives. Who would nag them  about going to school and getting new jobs, remind them I don't have grandkids yet. But most important, love them like I do?
My dog Penny. The thought of her waiting by the door for me to come home forever is heart breaking. Besides,  I've spoiled her too bad for anyone else!
I'm now crossing the new car off my list. Not important.
I still have more family to love and enjoy!! After all I'm the big sister and I have two younger brothers that by birthright, "I am the boss of"!  :) Our father passed away a few years back and our mother has been in a Alzheimer's home for several years. All our grandparents are gone so that leaves the three of us. We aren't getting any younger and we need eachother. Not to mention my extended family too great in numbers to list right now.
I'm not done. I haven't written my final chapter. 
Right now I'm writing a new bucket list.

(I'm leaving the bungee jumping on the bottom). :)

Oh the irony!

July is "Sarcoma Awareness Month". 

My Sarcoma Cancer diagnoses was July 29th 2013.

I am aware now! Thanks Cancer!

FUCK CANCER!

http://sarcomaalliance.org/news/sarcoma-awareness-month/

Cancer can't take my sense of humor!

These last few days have been some of the worse days In my life. I'm in a daze. I can't sleep, or barely  form a full sentence and I think I used up all the tears I have. But one thing that hasn't been affected by my cancer diagnoses is my sense of humor.

Here is Seal.

This made me laugh when I saw it today. Then I realised I was laughing. Cancer hasn't changed my twisted sense of humor. And it won't!

 Fuck you cancer! I will have the last laugh!

What is normal after a cancer diagnoses??

No one tells you what to do with your self after you have been diagnosed with Cancer.
It doesn't seem right to go about your day like everything is normal. Nothing is normal anymore.
Today I had to go to Kaiser for x-rays. Seems strange after having a MRI only days ago, but I won't argue the issue. Then I tried to do some light shopping in WalMart. I felt like I was walking in slow motion. $40 worth of groceries took over a hour to shop for. I had to go back to get shampoo after I checked out once because I forgot it. I forgot it the first time last week so I really needed it today! Then I stopped at Trader Joe's for a few things. Again this took my forever. I drove home in a trance. I looked down at my gauges and I was driving 60 miles an hour on the freeway. Thats 20 under my usual. I felt like I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere.
When I got home I put away my groceries and then I had no idea what to do. The specialist hasn't called me yet. I checked my phone for the one thousandth time. I called and left a message at my Drs office. What now?
Clean house, load the dishwasher? I dont give a damn about that. I'm afraid to be away from my phone and miss a call, or be somewhere that I don't have cell reception. I feel like I'm going a little crazy here!
And,,,,, #CancerSucks!

The phone call that changed my life.

I answered my phone early this morning. A call I was expecting from my Doctor. "There’s no easy way to say this. The results from your MRI show what looks like a Sarcoma Cancer" my doctor told me. Whatever she said after that I don't remember. I wrote down the word Cancer as she said it. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked what next? Hoping she had better news.
 Three weeks before this day I noticed a big bump on the back of my thigh. It was sore after returning from a walk. It worried me, but I was afraid of making more of it than it was. A few days later I was bothered again and I mentioned it to my husband. He didn't like the way it felt and said I should go get it looked at. We were packing for a trip to the beach and I had a head cold. I wanted to go real bad and breath the sea air, so I decided to wait a few days.
We went to the beach and the sore bump in my leg consumed my thoughts. I could feel it when I walked it was sore after walking and I lost sleep thinking about it.
 As soon as I returned home I called my Dr. At the office visit after examining my leg she seemed light hearted about it. She suggested it was a Cyst or a Lipoma. She ordered a MRI and sent me on my way.
 5 days later she was calling to deliver me some altogether different news. I had Cancer. She was referring me to a specialist in Oakland and that this was "treatable" she added. I hung up the phone and broke down. Luckily my husband was home and I pointed to the words on the paper. We spent hours crying. I wanted to wake up. I kept saying Cancer over and over like I would be de-sensitized and it wouldn't cut through me like a blade. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Then I started thinking of all the things I want to do, the plans I have for my life. My kids, and their kids. (someday I hope). My dog, and my Husband. WE have been through so much these last two and a half years trying to fix this marriage I want to enjoy what we worked for. Then I started thinking about things that use to matter and things that really do matter. Things were re-aligning themselves so to speak. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with myself. When I woke up I had plans like any other day drink my coffee, check emails, make breakfast, water the garden maybe sew or crochet. After the call from my Doctor I didn't know what to do. What do you when you just found out that you have Cancer?
 I got a text message in the middle of this from my brother. Our youngest brother had a stroke yesterday. I quickly called him to get the details regarding my sick brothers condition. I then told him about my recent news. Kind of, "since I have you on the phone". He in turn called my daughter and told her about both the patients and that she should be with me at this time. I wasn't going to tell my children until I got more info from the Doctors. I decided to stop crying and do something I bought a flat of strawberries after my MRI in the parking lot farmers market. So I decided to make jam. My daughter showed up with her husband and step-sister (and doggie) while I was jamming it up and soon my other daughter and her dog came by and my house was full. I made it through the day.
I'm still waiting for a phone call from the DR regarding the biopsy. I'm not sure how I going to sleep. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. That’s not what scares me. I’m afraid that no matter how hard I fight and how many treatments and surgeries I don’t lick this.

 Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life!

Blowing off the dust, lets get sewing!

I decided to pull my sewing machine out of hiding and blow off the dust. Lets see what happened.

Here is the link

Just for today

Just saying!

Queen of all this?

I like to ramble on about my life and the people in it. Both 4 legged and 2!  I cook with out starting a fire and can tie knots, that some people call "Crochet" You will find links to the right.
 It is more exciting than it sounds!