Friday, May 02, 2014

It's my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

Welcome to my 
pity party. 
No one else invited!

Yes this is my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!
For those of you who don't know what a pity party is, let me explain. 
First when you are hosting a pity party, you are the only guest in attendance. There usually aren’t any balloons or cake. Bummer huh? A pity party is more a state of mind. A place you allow yourself to go to feel sorry for yourself. We like to share our woes hoping other people will want to attend our pity party and feel sorry for us. If we spend too much time at this party we feel worse about the situation that got us there.  I'm not talking about the occasional slump we all go through feeling stress or letting ourselves get overwhelmed my life. I'm talking about the "wallows". "No one loves me, I think I'll go in the yard and eat worms". 
I don't want to say my life is the worse it gets or that my problems are more horrible of difficult than others. We all have our own stories and problems. 
These last 4 plus years have been the worse years for me.
To begin with, My Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s and her decease was advancing rapidly. She no longer recognized me when I went to visit her in her home.
My Husbands step father, my Grandfather and, My Father all passed away in a close time frame.
My step son got a DUI. (I won’t even get into this mess!)
My marriage of 13 years crumbled. This was the beginning of several more years of disclosures and pain.
I had health issues, depression and I lost over 70 pounds in 6 months.
Then had an emergency gall bladder surgery and problems with my pancreas and blood pressure for a few months. I had to be rushed to the ER because I passed out in a convenience store. I landed on a Gatorade display. My head still hurts when I see a bottle of Gatorade.
I had a mental breakdown, and was on a boat load of different antidepressants.
I had to leave my job,
During all this I had to keep my head clear to plan my daughter’s wedding. Something I really wanted to do despite my mental capacity.
I experienced several other deaths including close friends and I lost 2 cats,
Then I was diagnosed with cancer, (needle scratching across record sound here)

Wait there is more,
My Mother became very ill and my brother and I had to admit her to hospice where she later passed away the first week of my radiation treatments.
I had surgery to remove the cancerous tumor and as I mentioned radiation treatment.
9 months later I'm still recovering from radiation and I am being treated for Lymphedema. Radiation treatment on my hip has jumpstarted me into menopause. 
I haven't been able to work for 10 months. 
This was from the end of 2009 to date.

I have spent a fare amount of time by myself at my pity parties. At some point I decided to stop allowing myself to wallow long in this space. I had to start giving myself time limits to cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I had to try to snap myself out of it, pull my big girl pants up and get on with my day.
Some days were easier than others. In the first couple months after learning of my husband’s betrayal I spent most of my days crying and in a state of hopelessness. I would take showers and huddle in the corner on the floor sobbing until the water heater ran out of hot water.  I spent so many days in this state that it became comfortable. Not a good thing!  To make a longer story short, I found help via a 12 step program, friends, family, and therapy. I experienced recovery and healing.

Today I recognized quickly that I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt down and grumpy. I even had some anger deep inside. I recognized this, sat with it for awhile and ding the timer went off. (In my head). I found something to distract me and snap me out of this slump. Today I watered my vegetable garden and flowers. I wrote this blog. Other days I journal or text a friend. This was a healthier response than years ago.
I don’t beat myself up for throwing these pity parties. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I do try to learn from my mistakes.I just tell myself that I snapped myself out of a slump before I can do it again.
I remember years ago when I was going through a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was chatting with another Mom at my daughter’s school telling her my sob story. Her response caught me off guard in fact it kind of pissed me off. She said to me, “You are in charge of your own destiny”.  If you don’t like where you are at or going in your life, change it”.
Ha what a bitch I thought! I smiled and walked away. Vowing to never talk to her again!
I now realize that my reaction to what she said was that of an unstable person. Someone throwing a pity parting and she chose not to attend. It took me years to come to the same conclusion. I am in charge of my own destiny, and if I don’t like where my life is I have to change it. In the 12 step program it says, “If you don’t change, nothing changes”. I concur.
With recovery and growth I realize that I am in charge if my own destiny and I have to make my own Happy!


I hope that sharing my story has inspired you to take off that pity party hat, and get living! Make some changes. Your are in control. Live like you were dyeing. 

You can find me out in my garden soaking up the sun. I'm wearing a sun hat these day!

You may also enjoy an older post of mine,

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