I sit here trying to understand how I feel. Nervous just doesn't explain it! I am so overwhelmed with shear fear I can barely think. This has to be the most frightening thing I have ever done! I have had major surgeries, given birth to 3 children, got married 2 times and 1 divorce. I have had and seen death of people very dear to me, made life changing moves and choices. None of that comes close to how frightening this is!
For several years I have tried to take care of my body to as to have a long life and watch my children grow up. I eat and drink organic foods,I refuse pharmaceuticals that may be more harmful than good, I take vitamins and I don't eat red meats. I limit my consumption of salts, fats and sugars. I don't drink sodas or other chemicals. I always wear sunblock SPF 1-million. But now I have to have the strength to walk into Kaisers chemo infusion center and let them put a needle in me that with dose me with drugs that are poisonous and can kill me in a small way. They both have several side effects, so they gave me more drugs to offset those including I have to give myself shots everyday for 7 days after each chemo to keep my white blood counts in check. UGH! After my pancreatitis adventure I was told that if I didn't watch my sugar consumption I could develop diabetes. The shots alone scared me straight! Now this Ugh ugh damn!!
If this last 4 years of my life has taught me anything, it has to be keep that faith. Something that is very hard for us humans. We want proof, something tangible. If we don't see it we don't believe it, and if we don't understand it we question it. I have to believe. It give me peace and calms my mind. With that said if you wish I would like you to pray with me. I hope this brings you a little peace and calms your mind so we both can get through this day!
Heavenly Father,
I thank you Lord for loving me and wrapping your arms around me. I feel you there, I know You don't want me to suffer. Isaiah 66:9 says, " I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord". I believe that!
I thank You for being with me holding me tight through this whole cancer journey. Your love gave me the strength to get through it last time and I am faithful Your love and guidance with get me through this journey!
I sit here today full of fear and anger from what lays ahead of me this day. I ask that you give me the strength I need to walk through those doors at Kaiser allow the practitioners do what they are trained and skilled to do and not curl up in a ball on the floor and sob. I pray that your will put Your hand on the shoulders of the staff at Kaiser to help them have a calm mind and keep focused to do their jobs. This isnt easy for them.
I ask that You help me keep open heart to You so that I can hear and understand when You are guiding me telling me what I need to do go get through this.
Lord I ask that You wrap Your arms around my husband and touch his heart to remind him You are there with him He is just as frightened and overwhelmed as I am. I pray that he asks You for guidance to help him so that he can help me.
Lord I also ask that you place Your heavenly hand on my children and my beautiful new Grandson. They too are suffering, and are afraid. It's hard to watch a parent get sick!
Lastly Lord I want to thank you sooo much for ALL my friends that I give You all the credit for being in my life!! They are truly Heaven sent! Without these people that You Lord have brought in my life I would not have the strength to do what I had to do each day to battle cancer. I know we humans aren't suppose roam earth alone. Thank You for all of them!
I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessing. I give You all the credit for these and I will praise You for the rest of my days. Your will Your way always!
I ask this in Jesus name Amen
I thank you for taking time to read this, and I love you all!
So time to pull my big girl pants up and get it done.
I'm not done, I got this!!
I will keep you updated.
