July is Sarcoma awareness month.

Well it is July again. July is Sarcoma awareness month. Until last July I was "unaware" so to speak! I was diagnosed with a Sarcoma tumor in my thigh last July 29th.

I guess awareness means getting informed. Know the symptoms, check yourself and your children. Because cancer survival is early detection! Also awareness is, getting the word out about this type cancer. Finding a cure, better treatments and detection methods, raising money for people who can't afford treatment, getting support. Knowledge is key!

I am aware! I hope that you don't have to get this diagnosis to make you aware. Make the yellow ribbon as recognisable as the pink ribbon!

Good news, EPIC news!

I just got the MRI results. trying to type while jumping around!

Drs message read, 
"MRI showed NO evidence of recurrent sarcoma. Good news"

He is a man of little words but he gets to the point! this will mark the second clear MRI since finishing radiation. I feel comfortable to call myself a cancer survivor, finally. My oncologist is also confident it seems as he pushed off the next MRI to 4 months instead of 3. I take that as good. 

Live as if you were to die tomorrow,

Quotes inspiration

It's my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

Welcome to my 

pity party. 

No one else invited!

Yes this is my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

For those of you who don't know what a pity party is, let me explain. 

First when you are hosting a pity party, you are the only guest in attendance. There usually aren’t any balloons or cake. Bummer huh? A pity party is more a state of mind. A place you allow yourself to go to feel sorry for yourself. We like to share our woes hoping other people will want to attend our pity party and feel sorry for us. If we spend too much time at this party we feel worse about the situation that got us there.  I'm not talking about the occasional slump we all go through feeling stress or letting ourselves get overwhelmed my life. I'm talking about the "wallows". "No one loves me, I think I'll go in the yard and eat worms". 

I don't want to say my life is the worse it gets or that my problems are more horrible of difficult than others. We all have our own stories and problems. 

These last 4 plus years have been the worse years for me.

To begin with, My Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s and her decease was advancing rapidly. She no longer recognized me when I went to visit her in her home.

My Husbands step father, my Grandfather and, My Father all passed away in a close time frame.

My step son got a DUI. (I won’t even get into this mess!)

My marriage of 13 years crumbled. This was the beginning of several more years of disclosures and pain.

I had health issues, depression and I lost over 70 pounds in 6 months.

Then had an emergency gall bladder surgery and problems with my pancreas and blood pressure for a few months. I had to be rushed to the ER because I passed out in a convenience store. I landed on a Gatorade display. My head still hurts when I see a bottle of Gatorade.

I had a mental breakdown, and was on a boat load of different antidepressants.

I had to leave my job,

During all this I had to keep my head clear to plan my daughter’s wedding. Something I really wanted to do despite my mental capacity.

I experienced several other deaths including close friends and I lost 2 cats,

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, (needle scratching across record sound here)

Wait there is more,

My Mother became very ill and my brother and I had to admit her to hospice where she later passed away the first week of my radiation treatments.

I had surgery to remove the cancerous tumor and as I mentioned radiation treatment.

9 months later I'm still recovering from radiation and I am being treated for Lymphedema. Radiation treatment on my hip has jumpstarted me into menopause. 

I haven't been able to work for 10 months. 

This was from the end of 2009 to date.

I have spent a fare amount of time by myself at my pity parties. At some point I decided to stop allowing myself to wallow long in this space. I had to start giving myself time limits to cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I had to try to snap myself out of it, pull my big girl pants up and get on with my day.

Some days were easier than others. In the first couple months after learning of my husband’s betrayal I spent most of my days crying and in a state of hopelessness. I would take showers and huddle in the corner on the floor sobbing until the water heater ran out of hot water.  I spent so many days in this state that it became comfortable. Not a good thing!  To make a longer story short, I found help via a 12 step program, friends, family, and therapy. I experienced recovery and healing.

Today I recognized quickly that I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt down and grumpy. I even had some anger deep inside. I recognized this, sat with it for awhile and ding the timer went off. (In my head). I found something to distract me and snap me out of this slump. Today I watered my vegetable garden and flowers. I wrote this blog. Other days I journal or text a friend. This was a healthier response than years ago.

I don’t beat myself up for throwing these pity parties. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I do try to learn from my mistakes.I just tell myself that I snapped myself out of a slump before I can do it again.

I remember years ago when I was going through a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was chatting with another Mom at my daughter’s school telling her my sob story. Her response caught me off guard in fact it kind of pissed me off. She said to me, “You are in charge of your own destiny”.  “If you don’t like where you are at or going in your life, change it”.

Ha what a bitch I thought! I smiled and walked away. Vowing to never talk to her again!

I now realize that my reaction to what she said was that of an unstable person. Someone throwing a pity parting and she chose not to attend. It took me years to come to the same conclusion. I am in charge of my own destiny, and if I don’t like where my life is I have to change it. In the 12 step program it says, “If you don’t change, nothing changes”. I concur.

With recovery and growth I realize that I am in charge if my own destiny and I have to make my own Happy!

 

I hope that sharing my story has inspired you to take off that pity party hat, and get living! Make some changes. Your are in control. Live like you were dyeing. 

You can find me out in my garden soaking up the sun. I'm wearing a sun hat these day!

You may also enjoy an older post of mine,

 "God helps those who help themselves"

You're in Remission: What Next?

This was an article I read a couple days ago. It really made me stop and think about my own "remission". I don't call it that yet. 

I have experienced many things mentioned in this article. Inability to find my New Normal, fatigue, Survivor guilt, and still healing from treatment. I struggle calling myself a "cancer survivor" because I'm waiting for that other foot to drop.

 I expected to just go back to the old me after treatment. But cancer changes you!

 Im off to journal and blog about this.#stupidcancer





You're in Remission: What Next? - WhatNext:



'via Blog this'

The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe | For the Newly Diagnosed

The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe has just been published! http://sarcomahelp.org/newly-diagnosed.html

This expanded and updated "guide for the whole person" helps new patients and their loved ones to understand a sarcoma diagnosis, seek the best care, manage treatment, cope well and find support. It is featured in the latest issue of ESUN.http://sarcomahelp.org/esun.html





The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe | For the Newly Diagnosed:



#Cancer, #Sarcoma

'via Blog this'

Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving.

I need to vent.
Another day dealing with the side affects of cancer treatment. (eff cancer!!)
 I have avoided updating my status on Facebook with my day to day struggles with cancer I think because I am avoiding it. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about it.. Avoiding dealing with it.  A lil self psychology. 

The wound from surgery in August hasn't fully healed due to the radiation treatment last Oct-Nov, done so soon after surgery. Now I have an staff infection in it and I am on the second round of antibiotics. I went to a wound nurse and discussed another possible surgery on the infected spot. It as has been a true challenge trying to bandage my thigh. Picture this, The top of your thigh is larger than the lower part and mine has been burn 3/4 of the way around it. So I cant use tape or any adhesives. I use wrap. Then I walk and it slides off. I wrap more and get creative with pinning to my underwear etc etc,, It slides off. UGH! Now I have to keep it clean and covered, (My Dr says, "Creen" lol he's Chinese). The wound nurse has a special dressing with a cream to soften the area I have to leave on until it heals. AND,, I cant shower for 2-3 days. UGH again!
In the mean time my Oncologist has not been able to a MRI to see if the radiation was able to zap the remaining tumor. So I may still have some cancer in there. AUGH!!
I have been dealing with this since surgery last Aug. I'm ready to move on. I want to take my dog on walks and sit and rest with out discomfort.  I am walking better without a cane now. That is good!
There I admitted it! I'm frustrated and I am allowing myself to feel defeated.
I have cancer it doesn't have me. I feel like I'm at my first 12 step meeting.
"My Name is Becca, I have cancer".  Hum maybe I touched on my problem. I have to face it!. Defeat it!

THANKS FOR LISTENING I GOT IT OFF MY CHEST! LUV YA!

Dos and don'ts for couples going through the cancer process.

What dos and don'ts do you have for couples who are going through the cancer process? Visit our website to learn more and see our tips.

http://www.letsfcancer.com/get-educated/cancer

This is a big hurdle for me and my husband. When I was first diagnosed I was numb, and I shut down. He interpreted it as I was ignoring him or mistreating him. He accused me of treating him like shit.

Then after we fought about that, and he made program calls. He realized he was being a jerk, (his words).He wasnt realising that I was in shock and shouldnt be expected to be myself.  We were better for awhile then, he wasn't feeling like anyone was feeling sorry for him. After all his wife has cancer, and he is stressed and worried. He asked me if I understood what he was going through. Again, he made some program calls and came back to me explaining he was an idiot. Again, his words. {:) He felt I wasnt available to him to confort him. Looking back, I wasnt thanks to drugs, stress, and so many tests and Kaiser visits. Call it "overwhelmed". I'm not saying I was right in acting this way, but there is no right when dealing with cancer or Kaiser!

Lastly in resent weeks he wants to fix me. Do anything he can to make it better. When he can't he gets depressed and feels like hes not needed. Omg! I have to explain to him that I dont want a nurse, and sometimes when people hover over you it annoys you. 

 Luckily we both have great support in our program (12 step), our church and therapy.

 Don't forget, pharmaceuticals. :) 

The best advice I can give to couples on both sides of cancer is,,, Don't expect your spouse to act like themselves. 

When it comes to the Cancer patients. There is no normal anymore. For crying out loud they just got diagnosed with the "death disease".

 And your spouses are lost, confused and feeling out of control. They cant fix it or love it away. 

When my husband and I finally talked about what we  were feeling and stressing over things got better for us. Communication is the key! 

One day at a time!

Finally some good news

Good news, Rebecca,
As least as of now, we don't see recurrent tumor.

MRI LEFT THIGH WITHOUT AND WITH CONTRAST

** HISTORY **:
Followup sarcoma

** FINDINGS **:
Comparison: 07/26/2013

Technique: Multiplanar multisequence MR images of the left thigh
were obtained without and with 20 cc of intravenous gadolinium.

The large 8 cm mass of the posterior left thigh has been resected.
There are postsurgical changes. A marker was placed at the skin
incision site. There is linear scar within the subcutaneous fat.
There is a small 1.5 cm fluid collection likely representing a
postoperative seroma in the subcutaneous fat. It is low in signal
intensity on T1 and high in signal intensity on T2. There is no
enhancement of this fluid collection. There is also linear fluid
signal within the posterior muscular compartment of the thigh in
the region of the prior mass. The fluid is high in signal
intensity on T2, low in signal intensity on T1 and shows minimal
linear enhancement. These likely represent postoperative changes.
No new nodular or recurrent enhancing mass is seen. There is a
small 2 cm fluid collection near the hamstring muscles. The fluid
is high in signal intensity on T1, low in signal intensity on T2
and shows no enhancement after contrast. This may represent a
small postoperative seroma. The signal within the anterior
muscular compartment is normal. There is normal signal within the
femur.

** IMPRESSION **:
Postoperative changes of the posterior proximal thigh after
sarcoma resection. No new findings are seen to suggest tumor
recurrence. Small fluid collections in the subcutaneous fat and
muscular compartment likely represent postoperative seromas.

One week since surgery

One week ago today I had my surgery to remove the Sarcoma tumor in my leg. It still sounds weird to say it.  I'm trying to wait patiently for the pathology report to see if I am considered cancer free.
This last month has been HELL! Its changed me and made me rethink things. A cancer dx makes you realized what is really important and when you think your life sucks it could get worse!
Appreciate the flicker us mortals call, Life!
#FuckCancer #livelovelaugh  #whatdoestkillyamakesyoustronger

Because I'm in the center of the ring and this is about me!

Great read in the Los Angeles Times

How not to say the wrong thing

It works in all kinds of crises – medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.

April 07, 2013|Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

My use of the "F" word offends people.

I have been made aware that SOME people on Facebook are offended by my postings using the "F" word when expressing my hate towards my cancer. 

I offered the changing the view my postings or to UNLIKE me. I'm not afraid to loose these friends at this point in my life. I realise the "F" word is harsh and can be offensive  What what more appropriate way to use this word than when you have been diagnosed with a cancer that could kill you and has killed thousands every year! 

For me the statistics (1,890 die) are my reason to say FUCK CANCER! In fact the word fuck doesn't even describe my anger! 

The American Cancer society's for soft tissue sarcomas in the United States for 2013 are (these statistics include both adults and children):

• About 11,410 new soft tissue sarcomas will be diagnosed (6,290 cases in males and 5,120 cases in females).
• 4,390 Americans (2,500 males and 1,890 females) are expected to die of soft tissue sarcomas.

The most common types of sarcoma in adults are malignant fibrous histiocytoma, liposarcoma, and leiomyosarcoma. Certain types are more common in certain areas of the body than others. For example, leiomyosarcomas are the most common abdominal sarcoma, while liposarcomas and malignant fibrous histiocytomas are most common in legs. But pathologists (doctors who specialize in diagnosing cancers by how they look under the microscope), may not always agree on the exact type of sarcoma. Sarcomas of uncertain type are very common.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcoma

Mr Lumpy the grumpy Sarcoma is not so photogenic! Fucker!

My Bucket List

When you say "Bucket list" its just a fancy way of saying "things to do before I die". Now I'm not admitting defeat and say I'm dieing yet! Queue Tim McGraw's song "Live like you were dieing".
These thoughts do race through your mind when you've been told you have cancer. All of a sudden you realise life is fricken short, and you got shit to do. So you blow  the dust off your bucket list and re-prioritize.  No longer is the trip to Paris important, or bungee jumping. (that was on the bottom anyway). Now you realise what really matters!
I have had nothing but time this last 2 weeks to think. I know I'm not done! I got shit to do! 
Like my kids. Without me who would meddle in their lives. Who would nag them  about going to school and getting new jobs, remind them I don't have grandkids yet. But most important, love them like I do?
My dog Penny. The thought of her waiting by the door for me to come home forever is heart breaking. Besides,  I've spoiled her too bad for anyone else!
I'm now crossing the new car off my list. Not important.
I still have more family to love and enjoy!! After all I'm the big sister and I have two younger brothers that by birthright, "I am the boss of"!  :) Our father passed away a few years back and our mother has been in a Alzheimer's home for several years. All our grandparents are gone so that leaves the three of us. We aren't getting any younger and we need eachother. Not to mention my extended family too great in numbers to list right now.
I'm not done. I haven't written my final chapter. 
Right now I'm writing a new bucket list.

(I'm leaving the bungee jumping on the bottom). :)

Oh the irony!

July is "Sarcoma Awareness Month". 

My Sarcoma Cancer diagnoses was July 29th 2013.

I am aware now! Thanks Cancer!

FUCK CANCER!

http://sarcomaalliance.org/news/sarcoma-awareness-month/

Cancer can't take my sense of humor!

These last few days have been some of the worse days In my life. I'm in a daze. I can't sleep, or barely  form a full sentence and I think I used up all the tears I have. But one thing that hasn't been affected by my cancer diagnoses is my sense of humor.

Here is Seal.

This made me laugh when I saw it today. Then I realised I was laughing. Cancer hasn't changed my twisted sense of humor. And it won't!

 Fuck you cancer! I will have the last laugh!

What is normal after a cancer diagnoses??

No one tells you what to do with your self after you have been diagnosed with Cancer.
It doesn't seem right to go about your day like everything is normal. Nothing is normal anymore.
Today I had to go to Kaiser for x-rays. Seems strange after having a MRI only days ago, but I won't argue the issue. Then I tried to do some light shopping in WalMart. I felt like I was walking in slow motion. $40 worth of groceries took over a hour to shop for. I had to go back to get shampoo after I checked out once because I forgot it. I forgot it the first time last week so I really needed it today! Then I stopped at Trader Joe's for a few things. Again this took my forever. I drove home in a trance. I looked down at my gauges and I was driving 60 miles an hour on the freeway. Thats 20 under my usual. I felt like I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere.
When I got home I put away my groceries and then I had no idea what to do. The specialist hasn't called me yet. I checked my phone for the one thousandth time. I called and left a message at my Drs office. What now?
Clean house, load the dishwasher? I dont give a damn about that. I'm afraid to be away from my phone and miss a call, or be somewhere that I don't have cell reception. I feel like I'm going a little crazy here!
And,,,,, #CancerSucks!

The phone call that changed my life.

I answered my phone early this morning. A call I was expecting from my Doctor. "There’s no easy way to say this. The results from your MRI show what looks like a Sarcoma Cancer" my doctor told me. Whatever she said after that I don't remember. I wrote down the word Cancer as she said it. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked what next? Hoping she had better news.
 Three weeks before this day I noticed a big bump on the back of my thigh. It was sore after returning from a walk. It worried me, but I was afraid of making more of it than it was. A few days later I was bothered again and I mentioned it to my husband. He didn't like the way it felt and said I should go get it looked at. We were packing for a trip to the beach and I had a head cold. I wanted to go real bad and breath the sea air, so I decided to wait a few days.
We went to the beach and the sore bump in my leg consumed my thoughts. I could feel it when I walked it was sore after walking and I lost sleep thinking about it.
 As soon as I returned home I called my Dr. At the office visit after examining my leg she seemed light hearted about it. She suggested it was a Cyst or a Lipoma. She ordered a MRI and sent me on my way.
 5 days later she was calling to deliver me some altogether different news. I had Cancer. She was referring me to a specialist in Oakland and that this was "treatable" she added. I hung up the phone and broke down. Luckily my husband was home and I pointed to the words on the paper. We spent hours crying. I wanted to wake up. I kept saying Cancer over and over like I would be de-sensitized and it wouldn't cut through me like a blade. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Then I started thinking of all the things I want to do, the plans I have for my life. My kids, and their kids. (someday I hope). My dog, and my Husband. WE have been through so much these last two and a half years trying to fix this marriage I want to enjoy what we worked for. Then I started thinking about things that use to matter and things that really do matter. Things were re-aligning themselves so to speak. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do with myself. When I woke up I had plans like any other day drink my coffee, check emails, make breakfast, water the garden maybe sew or crochet. After the call from my Doctor I didn't know what to do. What do you when you just found out that you have Cancer?
 I got a text message in the middle of this from my brother. Our youngest brother had a stroke yesterday. I quickly called him to get the details regarding my sick brothers condition. I then told him about my recent news. Kind of, "since I have you on the phone". He in turn called my daughter and told her about both the patients and that she should be with me at this time. I wasn't going to tell my children until I got more info from the Doctors. I decided to stop crying and do something I bought a flat of strawberries after my MRI in the parking lot farmers market. So I decided to make jam. My daughter showed up with her husband and step-sister (and doggie) while I was jamming it up and soon my other daughter and her dog came by and my house was full. I made it through the day.
I'm still waiting for a phone call from the DR regarding the biopsy. I'm not sure how I going to sleep. I know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. That’s not what scares me. I’m afraid that no matter how hard I fight and how many treatments and surgeries I don’t lick this.

 Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life!