As I head out to get my first chemo treatment, please Pray with with me.

If you are reading this post, then I am sure you are one of the very many people in my life who care and are concerned about me! I feel it! Thank you so much. Without my loved ones I could not get through this!
I sit here trying to understand how I feel. Nervous just doesn't explain it! I am so overwhelmed with shear fear I can barely think. This has to be the most frightening thing I have ever done! I have had major surgeries, given birth to 3 children, got married 2 times and 1 divorce. I have had and seen death of people very dear to me, made life changing moves and choices. None of that comes close to how frightening this is!
For several years I have tried to take care of my body to as to have a long life and watch my children grow up. I eat and drink organic foods,I refuse pharmaceuticals that may be more harmful than good, I take vitamins and I don't eat red meats. I limit my consumption of salts, fats and sugars. I don't drink sodas or other chemicals. I always wear sunblock SPF 1-million. But now I have to have the strength to walk into Kaisers chemo infusion center and let them put a needle in me that with dose me with drugs that are poisonous and can kill me in a small way. They both have several side effects, so they gave me more drugs to offset those including I have to give myself shots everyday for 7 days after each chemo to keep my white blood counts in check. UGH! After my pancreatitis adventure I was told that if I didn't watch my sugar consumption I could develop diabetes. The shots alone scared me straight! Now this Ugh ugh damn!!
If this last 4 years of my life has taught me anything, it has to be keep that faith. Something that is very hard for us humans. We want proof, something tangible. If we don't see it we don't believe it, and if we don't understand it we question it. I have to believe. It give me peace and calms my mind. With that said if you wish I would like you to pray with me. I hope this brings you a little peace and calms your mind so we both can get through this day!

Heavenly Father,
I thank you Lord for loving me and wrapping your arms around me. I feel you there, I know You don't want me to suffer. Isaiah 66:9 says, " I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord". I believe that!
I thank You for being with me holding me tight through this whole cancer journey. Your love gave me the strength to get through it last time and I am faithful Your love and guidance with get me through this journey!
I sit here today full of fear and anger from what lays ahead of me this day. I ask that you give me the strength I need to walk through those doors at Kaiser allow the practitioners do what they are trained and skilled to do and not curl up in a ball on the floor and sob. I pray that your will put Your hand on the shoulders of the staff at Kaiser to help them have a calm mind and keep focused to do their jobs. This isnt easy for them.
 I ask that You help me keep  open heart to You so that I can hear and understand when You are guiding me telling me what I need to do go get through this.
Lord I ask that You wrap Your arms around my husband and touch his heart to remind him You are there with him He is just as frightened and overwhelmed as I am. I pray that he asks You for guidance to help him so that he can help me.
Lord I also ask that you place Your heavenly hand on my children and my beautiful new Grandson. They too are suffering, and are afraid. It's hard to watch a parent get sick!
Lastly Lord I want to thank you sooo much for ALL my friends that I give You all the credit for being in my life!! They are truly Heaven sent! Without these people that You Lord have brought in my life  I would not have the strength to do what I had to do each day to battle cancer.  I know we humans aren't suppose roam earth alone. Thank You for all of them!
I have so much to be thankful for and so many blessing. I give You all the credit for these and I will praise You for the rest of my days. Your will Your way always!
I ask this in Jesus name Amen

I thank you for taking time to read this, and I love you all!
So time to pull my big girl pants up and get it done.
I'm not done, I got this!!

I will keep you updated.

If I Can Be Thankful in This Situation . . .

If I Can Be Thankful in This Situation . . .
When you start to focus on things you’re thankful for, it just has a way of transforming your outlook, your attitude, and the whole environment around you

It's my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

Welcome to my 

pity party. 

No one else invited!

Yes this is my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

For those of you who don't know what a pity party is, let me explain. 

First when you are hosting a pity party, you are the only guest in attendance. There usually aren’t any balloons or cake. Bummer huh? A pity party is more a state of mind. A place you allow yourself to go to feel sorry for yourself. We like to share our woes hoping other people will want to attend our pity party and feel sorry for us. If we spend too much time at this party we feel worse about the situation that got us there.  I'm not talking about the occasional slump we all go through feeling stress or letting ourselves get overwhelmed my life. I'm talking about the "wallows". "No one loves me, I think I'll go in the yard and eat worms". 

I don't want to say my life is the worse it gets or that my problems are more horrible of difficult than others. We all have our own stories and problems. 

These last 4 plus years have been the worse years for me.

To begin with, My Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s and her decease was advancing rapidly. She no longer recognized me when I went to visit her in her home.

My Husbands step father, my Grandfather and, My Father all passed away in a close time frame.

My step son got a DUI. (I won’t even get into this mess!)

My marriage of 13 years crumbled. This was the beginning of several more years of disclosures and pain.

I had health issues, depression and I lost over 70 pounds in 6 months.

Then had an emergency gall bladder surgery and problems with my pancreas and blood pressure for a few months. I had to be rushed to the ER because I passed out in a convenience store. I landed on a Gatorade display. My head still hurts when I see a bottle of Gatorade.

I had a mental breakdown, and was on a boat load of different antidepressants.

I had to leave my job,

During all this I had to keep my head clear to plan my daughter’s wedding. Something I really wanted to do despite my mental capacity.

I experienced several other deaths including close friends and I lost 2 cats,

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, (needle scratching across record sound here)

Wait there is more,

My Mother became very ill and my brother and I had to admit her to hospice where she later passed away the first week of my radiation treatments.

I had surgery to remove the cancerous tumor and as I mentioned radiation treatment.

9 months later I'm still recovering from radiation and I am being treated for Lymphedema. Radiation treatment on my hip has jumpstarted me into menopause. 

I haven't been able to work for 10 months. 

This was from the end of 2009 to date.

I have spent a fare amount of time by myself at my pity parties. At some point I decided to stop allowing myself to wallow long in this space. I had to start giving myself time limits to cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I had to try to snap myself out of it, pull my big girl pants up and get on with my day.

Some days were easier than others. In the first couple months after learning of my husband’s betrayal I spent most of my days crying and in a state of hopelessness. I would take showers and huddle in the corner on the floor sobbing until the water heater ran out of hot water.  I spent so many days in this state that it became comfortable. Not a good thing!  To make a longer story short, I found help via a 12 step program, friends, family, and therapy. I experienced recovery and healing.

Today I recognized quickly that I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt down and grumpy. I even had some anger deep inside. I recognized this, sat with it for awhile and ding the timer went off. (In my head). I found something to distract me and snap me out of this slump. Today I watered my vegetable garden and flowers. I wrote this blog. Other days I journal or text a friend. This was a healthier response than years ago.

I don’t beat myself up for throwing these pity parties. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I do try to learn from my mistakes.I just tell myself that I snapped myself out of a slump before I can do it again.

I remember years ago when I was going through a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was chatting with another Mom at my daughter’s school telling her my sob story. Her response caught me off guard in fact it kind of pissed me off. She said to me, “You are in charge of your own destiny”.  “If you don’t like where you are at or going in your life, change it”.

Ha what a bitch I thought! I smiled and walked away. Vowing to never talk to her again!

I now realize that my reaction to what she said was that of an unstable person. Someone throwing a pity parting and she chose not to attend. It took me years to come to the same conclusion. I am in charge of my own destiny, and if I don’t like where my life is I have to change it. In the 12 step program it says, “If you don’t change, nothing changes”. I concur.

With recovery and growth I realize that I am in charge if my own destiny and I have to make my own Happy!

 

I hope that sharing my story has inspired you to take off that pity party hat, and get living! Make some changes. Your are in control. Live like you were dyeing. 

You can find me out in my garden soaking up the sun. I'm wearing a sun hat these day!

You may also enjoy an older post of mine,

 "God helps those who help themselves"

Today I am grateful for...

(1) Today I am grateful for...: "Today I am grateful to be able to celebrate another birthday! At my age, I use to shutter at the thought of getting older. But 9 months ago I was diognosed with cancer. Thanks to modern medicine, and the love of God I made it through treatment. My future looks good and today I celebrate!"

You're in Remission: What Next?

This was an article I read a couple days ago. It really made me stop and think about my own "remission". I don't call it that yet. 

I have experienced many things mentioned in this article. Inability to find my New Normal, fatigue, Survivor guilt, and still healing from treatment. I struggle calling myself a "cancer survivor" because I'm waiting for that other foot to drop.

 I expected to just go back to the old me after treatment. But cancer changes you!

 Im off to journal and blog about this.#stupidcancer





You're in Remission: What Next? - WhatNext:



'via Blog this'

The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe | For the Newly Diagnosed

The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe has just been published! http://sarcomahelp.org/newly-diagnosed.html

This expanded and updated "guide for the whole person" helps new patients and their loved ones to understand a sarcoma diagnosis, seek the best care, manage treatment, cope well and find support. It is featured in the latest issue of ESUN.http://sarcomahelp.org/esun.html





The 2014 Guide to the Sarcoma Universe | For the Newly Diagnosed:



#Cancer, #Sarcoma

'via Blog this'

Another Rant or vent post; Fighting cancer one moment at a time!

Feeling, "UGH' today. My thigh is swollen and I'm feeling "clammy". I got a Dr's appointment later. But my mind is racing with all the possibilities of why this swelling in this location. Near the lymph nodes.
I usually read cancer support boards for support, but today its painful and scary. Cancer reminds us that we are not invincible. Life is short and we don't always have control of what takes us and when. That feeling of being "out of control" is frightening! I think about how I was living before my diagnosis. I wasn't worried about dying. I went about my life as if I had years  to enjoy my life. Yet I could have been killed in a car crash or had a heart attack at any moment. It happens. We are all dying. But a cancer diagnoses gives you a hint of how you may die, and in some cases a date. Think about that. That's pretty scary!  That hard part is being able to not think about it and live your life. The people I hear about that can are true inspirations! It's easy to say you have to take life "One day at a time". or, "Live like you were dying". But its so hard to live it! Its harder when you're tired and not feeling well. You lose your momentum.
I'm tired of being sick and tired. I tired of going to Kaiser every 2 or 3 days! I want my life back. I want to go to work and make plans for my future. I don't want to have to cancel plans to go to Dr's appointments.  I want to walk my dog without pain. I want people to ask me how I am and not have an answer regarding my cancer. I want to be able to call myself a "survivor". That title is so important to me. It takes such a great level of patients to get there and I don't have a lot these days.
I refer to this as "Cancer the gift that keeps giving". If its not one thing its another. I went from diagnoses and the struggles to have tests and then surgery then to radiation and now the healing. The healing is as difficult as the treatments. A long a slow process.

Now that I have that off my chest, I can see that I have to relax. I have to live in the moment and take this one moment at a time. I am healing slowly. I have come a long way in my treatment. I haven't been given a death sentence so far. I have to stop trying to predict the future and live for today.
What am I grateful for? What are my blessings? How can I live like I was dying, even if its not for many many years?

For all of you who have just lost 5 minutes of your life reading this blog, I ask you a favor.

Live today like you were dying!

because you are!

Cancer, the gift that keeps on giving.

I need to vent.
Another day dealing with the side affects of cancer treatment. (eff cancer!!)
 I have avoided updating my status on Facebook with my day to day struggles with cancer I think because I am avoiding it. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about it.. Avoiding dealing with it.  A lil self psychology. 

The wound from surgery in August hasn't fully healed due to the radiation treatment last Oct-Nov, done so soon after surgery. Now I have an staff infection in it and I am on the second round of antibiotics. I went to a wound nurse and discussed another possible surgery on the infected spot. It as has been a true challenge trying to bandage my thigh. Picture this, The top of your thigh is larger than the lower part and mine has been burn 3/4 of the way around it. So I cant use tape or any adhesives. I use wrap. Then I walk and it slides off. I wrap more and get creative with pinning to my underwear etc etc,, It slides off. UGH! Now I have to keep it clean and covered, (My Dr says, "Creen" lol he's Chinese). The wound nurse has a special dressing with a cream to soften the area I have to leave on until it heals. AND,, I cant shower for 2-3 days. UGH again!
In the mean time my Oncologist has not been able to a MRI to see if the radiation was able to zap the remaining tumor. So I may still have some cancer in there. AUGH!!
I have been dealing with this since surgery last Aug. I'm ready to move on. I want to take my dog on walks and sit and rest with out discomfort.  I am walking better without a cane now. That is good!
There I admitted it! I'm frustrated and I am allowing myself to feel defeated.
I have cancer it doesn't have me. I feel like I'm at my first 12 step meeting.
"My Name is Becca, I have cancer".  Hum maybe I touched on my problem. I have to face it!. Defeat it!

THANKS FOR LISTENING I GOT IT OFF MY CHEST! LUV YA!

Dos and don'ts for couples going through the cancer process.

What dos and don'ts do you have for couples who are going through the cancer process? Visit our website to learn more and see our tips.

http://www.letsfcancer.com/get-educated/cancer

This is a big hurdle for me and my husband. When I was first diagnosed I was numb, and I shut down. He interpreted it as I was ignoring him or mistreating him. He accused me of treating him like shit.

Then after we fought about that, and he made program calls. He realized he was being a jerk, (his words).He wasnt realising that I was in shock and shouldnt be expected to be myself.  We were better for awhile then, he wasn't feeling like anyone was feeling sorry for him. After all his wife has cancer, and he is stressed and worried. He asked me if I understood what he was going through. Again, he made some program calls and came back to me explaining he was an idiot. Again, his words. {:) He felt I wasnt available to him to confort him. Looking back, I wasnt thanks to drugs, stress, and so many tests and Kaiser visits. Call it "overwhelmed". I'm not saying I was right in acting this way, but there is no right when dealing with cancer or Kaiser!

Lastly in resent weeks he wants to fix me. Do anything he can to make it better. When he can't he gets depressed and feels like hes not needed. Omg! I have to explain to him that I dont want a nurse, and sometimes when people hover over you it annoys you. 

 Luckily we both have great support in our program (12 step), our church and therapy.

 Don't forget, pharmaceuticals. :) 

The best advice I can give to couples on both sides of cancer is,,, Don't expect your spouse to act like themselves. 

When it comes to the Cancer patients. There is no normal anymore. For crying out loud they just got diagnosed with the "death disease".

 And your spouses are lost, confused and feeling out of control. They cant fix it or love it away. 

When my husband and I finally talked about what we  were feeling and stressing over things got better for us. Communication is the key! 

One day at a time!

Because I'm in the center of the ring and this is about me!

Great read in the Los Angeles Times

How not to say the wrong thing

It works in all kinds of crises – medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.

April 07, 2013|Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

My use of the "F" word offends people.

I have been made aware that SOME people on Facebook are offended by my postings using the "F" word when expressing my hate towards my cancer. 

I offered the changing the view my postings or to UNLIKE me. I'm not afraid to loose these friends at this point in my life. I realise the "F" word is harsh and can be offensive  What what more appropriate way to use this word than when you have been diagnosed with a cancer that could kill you and has killed thousands every year! 

For me the statistics (1,890 die) are my reason to say FUCK CANCER! In fact the word fuck doesn't even describe my anger! 

The American Cancer society's for soft tissue sarcomas in the United States for 2013 are (these statistics include both adults and children):

• About 11,410 new soft tissue sarcomas will be diagnosed (6,290 cases in males and 5,120 cases in females).
• 4,390 Americans (2,500 males and 1,890 females) are expected to die of soft tissue sarcomas.

The most common types of sarcoma in adults are malignant fibrous histiocytoma, liposarcoma, and leiomyosarcoma. Certain types are more common in certain areas of the body than others. For example, leiomyosarcomas are the most common abdominal sarcoma, while liposarcomas and malignant fibrous histiocytomas are most common in legs. But pathologists (doctors who specialize in diagnosing cancers by how they look under the microscope), may not always agree on the exact type of sarcoma. Sarcomas of uncertain type are very common.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcoma

Mr Lumpy the grumpy Sarcoma is not so photogenic! Fucker!

Oh the irony!

July is "Sarcoma Awareness Month". 

My Sarcoma Cancer diagnoses was July 29th 2013.

I am aware now! Thanks Cancer!

FUCK CANCER!

http://sarcomaalliance.org/news/sarcoma-awareness-month/

Cancer can't take my sense of humor!

These last few days have been some of the worse days In my life. I'm in a daze. I can't sleep, or barely  form a full sentence and I think I used up all the tears I have. But one thing that hasn't been affected by my cancer diagnoses is my sense of humor.

Here is Seal.

This made me laugh when I saw it today. Then I realised I was laughing. Cancer hasn't changed my twisted sense of humor. And it won't!

 Fuck you cancer! I will have the last laugh!

What is normal after a cancer diagnoses??

No one tells you what to do with your self after you have been diagnosed with Cancer.
It doesn't seem right to go about your day like everything is normal. Nothing is normal anymore.
Today I had to go to Kaiser for x-rays. Seems strange after having a MRI only days ago, but I won't argue the issue. Then I tried to do some light shopping in WalMart. I felt like I was walking in slow motion. $40 worth of groceries took over a hour to shop for. I had to go back to get shampoo after I checked out once because I forgot it. I forgot it the first time last week so I really needed it today! Then I stopped at Trader Joe's for a few things. Again this took my forever. I drove home in a trance. I looked down at my gauges and I was driving 60 miles an hour on the freeway. Thats 20 under my usual. I felt like I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere.
When I got home I put away my groceries and then I had no idea what to do. The specialist hasn't called me yet. I checked my phone for the one thousandth time. I called and left a message at my Drs office. What now?
Clean house, load the dishwasher? I dont give a damn about that. I'm afraid to be away from my phone and miss a call, or be somewhere that I don't have cell reception. I feel like I'm going a little crazy here!
And,,,,, #CancerSucks!