It's my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

Welcome to my 

pity party. 

No one else invited!

Yes this is my pity party, and I will cry if I want to!

For those of you who don't know what a pity party is, let me explain. 

First when you are hosting a pity party, you are the only guest in attendance. There usually aren’t any balloons or cake. Bummer huh? A pity party is more a state of mind. A place you allow yourself to go to feel sorry for yourself. We like to share our woes hoping other people will want to attend our pity party and feel sorry for us. If we spend too much time at this party we feel worse about the situation that got us there.  I'm not talking about the occasional slump we all go through feeling stress or letting ourselves get overwhelmed my life. I'm talking about the "wallows". "No one loves me, I think I'll go in the yard and eat worms". 

I don't want to say my life is the worse it gets or that my problems are more horrible of difficult than others. We all have our own stories and problems. 

These last 4 plus years have been the worse years for me.

To begin with, My Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s and her decease was advancing rapidly. She no longer recognized me when I went to visit her in her home.

My Husbands step father, my Grandfather and, My Father all passed away in a close time frame.

My step son got a DUI. (I won’t even get into this mess!)

My marriage of 13 years crumbled. This was the beginning of several more years of disclosures and pain.

I had health issues, depression and I lost over 70 pounds in 6 months.

Then had an emergency gall bladder surgery and problems with my pancreas and blood pressure for a few months. I had to be rushed to the ER because I passed out in a convenience store. I landed on a Gatorade display. My head still hurts when I see a bottle of Gatorade.

I had a mental breakdown, and was on a boat load of different antidepressants.

I had to leave my job,

During all this I had to keep my head clear to plan my daughter’s wedding. Something I really wanted to do despite my mental capacity.

I experienced several other deaths including close friends and I lost 2 cats,

Then I was diagnosed with cancer, (needle scratching across record sound here)

Wait there is more,

My Mother became very ill and my brother and I had to admit her to hospice where she later passed away the first week of my radiation treatments.

I had surgery to remove the cancerous tumor and as I mentioned radiation treatment.

9 months later I'm still recovering from radiation and I am being treated for Lymphedema. Radiation treatment on my hip has jumpstarted me into menopause. 

I haven't been able to work for 10 months. 

This was from the end of 2009 to date.

I have spent a fare amount of time by myself at my pity parties. At some point I decided to stop allowing myself to wallow long in this space. I had to start giving myself time limits to cry and feel sorry for myself. Then I had to try to snap myself out of it, pull my big girl pants up and get on with my day.

Some days were easier than others. In the first couple months after learning of my husband’s betrayal I spent most of my days crying and in a state of hopelessness. I would take showers and huddle in the corner on the floor sobbing until the water heater ran out of hot water.  I spent so many days in this state that it became comfortable. Not a good thing!  To make a longer story short, I found help via a 12 step program, friends, family, and therapy. I experienced recovery and healing.

Today I recognized quickly that I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt down and grumpy. I even had some anger deep inside. I recognized this, sat with it for awhile and ding the timer went off. (In my head). I found something to distract me and snap me out of this slump. Today I watered my vegetable garden and flowers. I wrote this blog. Other days I journal or text a friend. This was a healthier response than years ago.

I don’t beat myself up for throwing these pity parties. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I do try to learn from my mistakes.I just tell myself that I snapped myself out of a slump before I can do it again.

I remember years ago when I was going through a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was chatting with another Mom at my daughter’s school telling her my sob story. Her response caught me off guard in fact it kind of pissed me off. She said to me, “You are in charge of your own destiny”.  “If you don’t like where you are at or going in your life, change it”.

Ha what a bitch I thought! I smiled and walked away. Vowing to never talk to her again!

I now realize that my reaction to what she said was that of an unstable person. Someone throwing a pity parting and she chose not to attend. It took me years to come to the same conclusion. I am in charge of my own destiny, and if I don’t like where my life is I have to change it. In the 12 step program it says, “If you don’t change, nothing changes”. I concur.

With recovery and growth I realize that I am in charge if my own destiny and I have to make my own Happy!

 

I hope that sharing my story has inspired you to take off that pity party hat, and get living! Make some changes. Your are in control. Live like you were dyeing. 

You can find me out in my garden soaking up the sun. I'm wearing a sun hat these day!

You may also enjoy an older post of mine,

 "God helps those who help themselves"

My mothers battle with Alzheimer's came to a end today.

I have spent the last week with my brother sitting at Kaiser while my Mom struggles to take her last few breaths. She had to be admitted a few days ago with phenomena. Alzheimer's has taken away her ability to swallow and breath for herself. We decided it was time. Kaiser gave us a nice private room for her to spend her final days in "Hospice". The medical fields word for death row.
This last week has been the hardest week for both my brother and I! It's not fair when the child has to make these kind of decision's!

After a long week my I could tell my Mom was ready to go. She was suffering and was afraid. I held her hand and prayed like I never prayed. I asked God to be mercy full and take her to be with him. With in a few minutes she gasped her final breath here on earth. I felt a calm come over me. A relief that she wont have to suffer anymore from this horrible decease.
I thanked God.
I cant help be be a little jealous. She is in a better place. There will be no more suffering no pain. She is with her parents and pets that she loved so much. I will miss her more than words! and if I had the power I would have found a cure and kept her here with me. But since that's not possible, this is a better plan!

Saturday started with Alzheimer's and pancakes then ended with Tequila!

I had no idea what my Saturday had in store for me. I had it all planned out. I was attending a pancake breakfast at my Mothers Alzheimer's home benefit for Alzheimer's in the AM. Then I would take a little bike ride with hubby and the afternoon attend a adult birthday party at my sons girl friends parents house. Sounds interesting huh? It was!

When I woke up I was feeling “out of sorts”. I had a rough night sleep and my head was pounding already. Just some of the wonderful menopause symptoms I have lately. I left my house that morning for the pancake breakfast with a 5 lb chocolate bar my company donated for a raffle and hubby in tow. On arrival I was happy to see a big turnout for the breakfast. A few weeks back I was brain storming with the assistant director. I suggested asking the cooking school around the corner for chefs to volunteer. She asked the school and several inspiring chefs volunteered to help on the grills. The local Starbucks donated coffee, IHOP donated pancake batter, and Raley’s Foods donated berries. I wish I remembered to take pictures of the spread.

 We found a table and I went looking for my mom. Unless you know someone with this disease you may not know what it is like to walk through the halls of such a care home. Interesting to say the least! Alzheimer’s affects its patients differently. So here I am walking through the halls looking for my mom who at this stage of her life has become a marathon runner or something. Her attention span is that of a toddler, and she doesn’t sit in one place long. So I ask her nurses and they all remember seeing her at opposite ends of the building. I find her sitting in the common area. So I have her walk with me outside to sit with us. Her nurses gave her a shower and her hair was still slightly wet. Too bad because there were some clouds and it was breezy so she got cold but couldn't communicate it and it made her cry. I asked her not to cry, and that I would get her a blanket. Just then for a split second she recognized me. I could see it in her face. Then the tears started for both of us. She usually mumbles but just then she kept saying she was sorry it wasn't her fault. I felt so sad. I had a nurse get her a blanket but she wanted to go inside. I went to stand in the food line with my husband and let him hold me while a cried.

 I later went looking for my mom and some nurses directed me to another patient’s room where she was quietly sitting watching an infomercial. Yuck. I asked her if she want to come outside and eat but I couldn’t get her attention. So I brought her breakfast to her and her nurse fed her. I did get her to laugh and smile then I said my goodbyes and left. As least I made her smile.

The visit with my mom got me shook up. I was already out of it when I woke up. When I got home I knew I needed to do something to get my mind off the visit. It was too breezy to ride bikes hubby said so we went to the Home Depot to buy a plant for the birthday party later and to the pet store. We found a nice plant and bought frozen shrimp and cat treats. A successful shopping trip. I brought the plant inside to clean up but I forgot to bring the frozen shrimp in until 2 hours later. The stress of the day got the best of me and I wasn’t thinking straight. It makes me so mad. Then my head pounds harder.  I still had a birthday party to attend.

Cont,,,,,,

(next post, Holy Guacamole!) 

When life keep waking you up, and other Menopausal gripes.

This past year has been crazy for me. It feels like the older I get the faster life speeds by me. So many things are happening in my life right now. I find myself looking back to my past regretting not doing things differently. I'm not sure if it is maturity or menopause. (More on this later). My children are grown and working on their lives. None of them have children yet. This is good for them but difficult for me. I am excited at the thought of being a Grandma. My mother was a awesome grandmother to my children in every way! I say was, because she has been stricken with one of the worse diseases to hit the older generation Alzheimer's. She is in a care home now and doesn't know her family or the grandchildren she loved so much. She wear diapers and laughs a lot. Her father also had Alzheimer's and pasted away recently. I am afraid this disease is hereditary and I wont be able to spend time with grandchildren or worse I will have enough time with them and then be stricken with the disease only to bring heart break to them. I know too well the heart ache of having someone in this condition. You loose your memories, you independence your dignity. This is one of the many thoughts I have bombarding my brain daily as I drive around working. After awhile I get depressed. This is the Menopause again. I said I would say more on this.
In recent months I have what I call "waves" of symptoms. Depressions, migraines, stomach ailments, appetite changes, hot flashes and loss of sleep. To me it feels like PMS on steroids. These symptoms have been coming on every few weeks and last for about a week. More intense as the months go by. This last month was the worse. My husband asked me to call my Dr. (haven't yet). I felt like a blob. When asked a question I couldn't come up with a answer. I was unable to make decisions. I couldn't even decide what to eat or what to wear, and everything made me cry. The depression slowly faded although I feel it trying to rear its ugly head now and then. (more on the failed Chicken and Alfredo dinner).
I mentioned the thoughts bombarding my brain. I drive for a living. Sometime a hundred miles a day. Not your big time truck driver miles, but enough to pick at your sanity. When you alone with your thoughts anything is fair game. I tend to take on stresses form people around me. I want to help them or fix their life. I usually find the best fix is money. I have been kind of low on that lately. Besides my part time sales job, I also have my Real Estate Agent License. I love selling real estate but have been unable to in this bad economy. Don't get me started on the economy. I blame corporate America and greed for most of our problems. Yet I currently work for a big corporation as does my husband and I shop at Walmart to save money. This is a whole new subject. More on this later. See what I mean about my sanity?