Welcome to my
pity party.
No one else
invited!
Yes this is my
pity party, and I will cry if I want to!
For those of you who don't know what a
pity party is, let me explain.
First when you are hosting a pity party,
you are the only guest in attendance. There usually aren’t any balloons or
cake. Bummer huh? A pity party is more a state of mind. A place you allow
yourself to go to feel sorry for yourself. We like to share our woes hoping
other people will want to attend our pity party and feel sorry for us. If we
spend too much time at this party we feel worse about the situation that got us
there. I'm not talking about the occasional slump we all go through
feeling stress or letting ourselves get overwhelmed my life. I'm talking about
the "wallows". "No one loves me, I think I'll go in the yard and
eat worms".
I don't want to say my life is the worse it
gets or that my problems are more horrible of difficult than others. We all
have our own stories and problems.
These last 4 plus years have been the
worse years for me.
To begin with, My Mother suffered from Alzheimer’s
and her decease was advancing rapidly. She no longer recognized me when I went
to visit her in her home.
My Husbands step father, my Grandfather and,
My Father all passed away in a close time frame.
My step son got a DUI. (I won’t even get
into this mess!)
My marriage of 13 years crumbled. This was
the beginning of several more years of disclosures and pain.
I had health issues, depression and I lost
over 70 pounds in 6 months.
Then had an emergency gall bladder surgery
and problems with my pancreas and blood pressure for a few months. I had to be rushed
to the ER because I passed out in a convenience store. I landed on a Gatorade display.
My head still hurts when I see a bottle of Gatorade.
I had a mental breakdown, and was on a
boat load of different antidepressants.
I had to leave my job,
During all this I had to keep my head
clear to plan my daughter’s wedding. Something I really wanted to do despite my
mental capacity.
I experienced several other deaths
including close friends and I lost 2 cats,
Then I was diagnosed with cancer, (needle scratching across record sound here)
Wait there is more,
My Mother became very ill and my brother
and I had to admit her to hospice where she later passed away the first week of
my radiation treatments.
I had surgery to remove the cancerous tumor and as I mentioned radiation treatment.
9 months later I'm still recovering from radiation and I am being treated for Lymphedema. Radiation treatment on my hip has jumpstarted me into menopause.
I haven't been able to work for 10 months.
This was from the end of 2009 to date.
I have spent a fare amount of time by
myself at my pity parties. At some point I decided to stop allowing myself to
wallow long in this space. I had to start giving myself time limits to cry and feel
sorry for myself. Then I had to try to snap myself out of it, pull my big girl
pants up and get on with my day.
Some days were easier than others. In the
first couple months after learning of my husband’s betrayal I spent most of my
days crying and in a state of hopelessness. I would take showers and huddle in
the corner on the floor sobbing until the water heater ran out of hot water. I
spent so many days in this state that it became comfortable. Not a good
thing! To make a longer story short, I
found help via a 12 step program, friends, family, and therapy. I experienced recovery
and healing.
Today I recognized quickly that I was
feeling sorry for myself. I felt down and grumpy. I even had some anger deep
inside. I recognized this, sat with it for awhile and ding the timer went off. (In my head). I found something to distract
me and snap me out of this slump. Today I watered my vegetable garden and
flowers. I wrote this blog. Other days I journal or text a friend. This was a healthier
response than years ago.
I don’t beat myself up for throwing these
pity parties. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I do try to learn from my
mistakes.I just tell myself that I snapped myself out of a slump before I can do it again.
I remember years ago when I was going
through a divorce from my first husband. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was
chatting with another Mom at my daughter’s school telling her my sob story. Her
response caught me off guard in fact it kind of pissed me off. She said to me, “You
are in charge of your own destiny”. “If
you don’t like where you are at or going in your life, change it”.
Ha what a bitch I thought! I smiled and walked
away. Vowing to never talk to her again!
I now realize that my reaction to what she
said was that of an unstable person. Someone throwing a pity parting and she
chose not to attend. It took me years to come to the same conclusion. I am in
charge of my own destiny, and if I don’t like where my life is I have to change
it. In the 12 step program it says, “If you don’t change, nothing changes”. I
concur.
With recovery and growth I realize that I am in charge if my own destiny and I have to make my own Happy!
I hope that sharing my story has inspired you to take off that pity party hat, and get living! Make some changes. Your are in control. Live like you were dyeing.
You can find me out in my garden soaking up the sun. I'm wearing a sun hat these day!
You may also enjoy an older post of mine,
